It started with the birth of my first son back in 2015. There I was, lying on the operating table for my scheduled cesarean at 39 weeks. My breath was fast; I was scared, holding onto my partner's hand for dear life as if I were free-falling from this planet onto the next.

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That very early morning, I was getting ready to leave for the hospital when it all hit me that I was going to be a mom in just a few hours. I was going to have my baby boy in my arms for the very first time. I began to cry. All emotions seeping through: sadness, excitement, grief, wonder, worry, fear, love. Then "Upward Over The Mountain" by Iron

& Wine came on which only made the tears fall harder. It was a moment in time when it really felt like the Earth stopped spinning.

 

The quick two-minute drive over to the hospital, the world still asleep, hand-in-hand with my love. We got out of the car and I looked up at the sky full of stars; eyes and heart full of wonder and awe. I didn't want to go inside! I just wanted to stay in this moment forever. I could feel the Earth slowly start its spinning.

 

It was such a calm morning for something so life-altering. "How strange," I thought to myself. Again, the spinning was picking up. My lover and I were finally separated and preparing to meet our son. Me, undressing down to nothing as if shedding my old skin, and him, covering his body up as if to protect or shield himself from this upcoming experience. I found myself hunched over, gripping my OB's hand tightly, as he reassured me, "You're doing so great, Sage. Keep squeezing my hand. We're almost done." With each passing second, I began to lose all sensation of my body, while the Earth around me was spinning at full force now.

 

Moments later, it felt as though my body was being ravaged. No, there was no pain...but it was almost a spiritual ravaging. Being pulled and tugged, this way and that. I held on to my partner's hand as I began to experience my very first flashback into some childhood trauma that had only decided to reveal itself now, on the birth day of my firstborn son. The Earth had spun itself so damn fast, it was as though it had stopped altogether. The fact was: I had undergone a complete shift, transitioning from one frequency to a higher one I had never experienced until that moment.

 

And suddenly, amidst the final ravaging and overwhelming sensory flashbacks of my trauma, a beautiful interruption occurred—the sound of New Life: My newborn son. The Earth broke open now. And everything flooded through me at an impossible speed. They brought my little boy to me, and for the first time, I laid eyes on his precious face, planting gentle kisses upon it. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I whispered words of love into his tiny ears. But as they took him away, gradually moving farther from my reach, it felt as though everything I had ever known was slipping away. In that moment, all I yearned for was to have my baby in my arms, with my loving partner by my side, sharing in this profound experience.

 

I found myself in a state of profound solitude, despite being surrounded by a team of doctors. In this life-altering moment, I felt isolated and detached. Numbness and shock enveloped me as they painstakingly stitched my organs and body back together, as if their efforts could repair the emotional turmoil I had just endured. As if my body was ever going to be the same ever again. As the medical professionals engaged in nonchalant chatter, discussing weekend plans and sharing lighthearted jokes with one another, I lay there immobilized, unable to move or feel anything except for the tears streaming down my face. My arms, empty and bereft, should have been cradling my newborn baby at that very moment. The stark contrast between their casual conversations and my profound sense of loss deepened the feeling of emptiness and sorrow that pervaded my being.

 

In the mom & baby unit, life was euphoric for four consecutive days. I had moved past the events of the operating room and immersed myself in the joy of being with my baby and my family. It felt as if everything I had experienced was a typical part of the journey. And so, I accepted it as such, unaware of the deep impact it had on me. Little did I know that for years, I would struggle silently with a form of postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety, which went undiagnosed. I convinced myself that what I was feeling was normal because that's what the doctors had assured me. In addition to navigating this emotional turmoil, I found myself confronting the layers of trauma that had unveiled itself on the day of my son's birth. And deeper so, navigating the challenges of being a new mother at the age of 20. This added another layer of complexity to my journey, as I faced the responsibilities and pressures of motherhood at a relatively young age.

 

What I later learned, 8 years after this experience, and carrying my third baby, is that this experience was most definitely NOT normal. It was NOT the norm for most mother's I spoke to. And I needed to know why.

 

I began to question my body when I attended the birth of my sister's baby girl. I started to question the procedures and practices of the obstetricians involved. Were people truly informed about the potential risks associated with these procedures? Did they fully understand what was happening to their bodies? If I was questioning my body and these practices and procedures, there's gotta be so many women out there who are doing the same! And WHY did I have a flashback during my cesarean? And WHY does no one talk to you about any of these things?!

 

And so I went to educate myself so that I had the new ability to educate others. So that I had the honor of supporting women and families through the most transforming, earth-shattering, beautiful (or what should be) experience of all time. 

 

No one should walk into this journey alone, unaware, uneducated, and unsupported.

 

And so how I see it is this: Imagine discovering that you're expecting, whether it's your first baby or your fifth. It's the beginning of a wild journey, and you need a sturdy boat to navigate the waters ahead. That boat represents your sense of self—the core of who you are, your desires, dreams, and wishes for this journey. As your doula, I step into that boat with you.

 

Together, we embark on this incredible voyage, riding the waves and crossing the waters. I don't dictate your path or tell you where to go; you remain in charge of your own direction. However, I'm there to offer guidance, support, and education about the waters we navigate. As your doula, I become your cheerleader, advocating for you and helping you to advocate for yourself. I provide resources and information to empower you in making informed decisions that align with your values and preferences. Whether it's sharing evidence-based research, discussing your options, or offering emotional support, I am committed to being a steady presence by your side.

 

Through our collaboration, I aim to create a safe and nurturing environment where you can express your needs, fears, and aspirations openly. Together, we work towards a positive and empowering birth experience, honoring your unique journey and ensuring you feel informed, supported, and empowered every step of the way.

 

Pregnancy and childbirth can indeed be challenging, and unexpected circumstances often arise at the most inconvenient times. The presence of a doula ensures that, regardless of what unfolds, you have unwavering support. Having a doula means that no matter what comes your way: You are supported. You are educated and informed. You are not alone. Through our partnership, we conquer the challenges that come our way. Whether it's adapting to changes in your birth plan, managing unexpected pain or discomfort, or navigating the uncertainties of the postpartum period, I am here to provide compassionate support and guidance every step of the way.

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Together, we face the unexpected with resilience, strength, and the reassurance that you are supported throughout your entire journey.

 

You matter. Your experience matters. Your baby matters. And it is my duty as a doula to ensure that women and families embark on their newfound motherhood journey with a solid foundation, equipped with the knowledge, confidence, acceptance, gratitude, and excitement needed to embrace this transformative chapter of their lives.

 

My story is just one of many. What will yours be?